In its heyday, the USA Network was one of the key corrupting influences in building my fanfare for R-rated horror cinema (albeit censored for basic-cable audiences). It’s where I first watched Halloween II (ahead of John Carpenter’s 1978 original), along with stuff like Shock Waves and Tourist Trap. Not to mention the inducement of “USA World Premiere Movies” – typically direct-to-video stuff that doubled down on seedy plots and scintillating soft sexuality starring TV-friendly faces. All designed to blow the easily-enticed adolescent mind.
The most anticipated bits of programming came at least twice a year – on the titular date and often around Halloween, USA would marathon the Friday the 13th series – the installments they’d acquired the rights to, at least – and I would do my best to watch in as much secrecy as our family home would allow. These movies freaked out my young mind – the image of the hockey-masked Jason stomping through perpetual rainstorms wielding a machete (among other sharp implements) was the stuff of nightmares, and I couldn’t get enough. The narrative and technical qualities of the films was secondary to the teases of eroticism and kills sandwiched between commercial breaks.
But after watching the series – its initial entries, anyway – several times over in the ensuing years, what does my older and more jaded mind make of Paramount Pictures’ most reliable cash-cow-slaughterer of the 1980s? Outside of two entries, every film was directed by someone different, thus making every effort truly distinct from one another. To fill a bit of a content void here at JonnyNumb dot com, find my ranking of the Friday the 13th series – from the great (Part 2) to the truly regrettable (Jason X) – below!
[Note: the ratings given are on a 5-star scale.]
- Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
Child psychology. Brown panties. A homemade shack with a non-functional toilet. Stu Charno “camping” it up. Grilled hot dogs. How does Paul find Ginny (but who cares)? A De Palma-style tracking shot! Who is the other corpse in Jason’s cabin (is it the overweight cop)? Who is the assailant at the beginning of the film? One of the best Final Girls ever? Yes. (****) Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981) – Official Trailer - Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) Wherein higher production values and a cheeky sense of humor supersede the series’ usual slasher monotony. Writer-director Tom McLoughlin establishes the tone early on with a Fourth Wall break from a curmudgeonly gravedigger. Thom Mathews follows Miguel Nunez as another Return of the Living Dead alumnus appearing in Paramount’s flagship slasher series. Cool that there’s an actual camp with kids this time around. The counselors are a likable bunch and I felt despondent over their inevitable demises. The Sartre reference makes me laugh every time. A neat twist on “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” The camaraderie and possible romance between Mathews and brilliantly assertive (and funny…and cute…and, well, you get the idea) Final Girl Jennifer Cooke makes me wish for a spinoff where they live a long, happy life together, free of Jason’s bullshit. (***1/2) Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) – Trailer HD 1080p
- Friday the 13th (2009) I am fully prepared to take flak for placing the remake above the original (#sorrynotsorry, I guess?). While I like some of the Platinum Dunes remakes, part of that like is acknowledging that the finished films are run through a garbage disposal for more compact, easier consumption by a mass audience that – thanks to the advent of instant gratification provided by social media and online shopping – has lost almost all semblance of patience. But wait a second…this Friday the 13th carries a patience and discipline in its craftsmanship that suggests a certain reverence to its forebears! What a novel concept! The first half compresses the mythos of the first 3 films (basically, up to the point Jason acquires his goalie mask) before settling into an abattoir for its beautiful, bourgeois-lite twentysomething characters. Jared Padalecki is earnest and wholesome and likably lame as the dedicated, cycle-riding brother looking for his missing sister (Amanda Righetti, Deep Red [sic]), and Danielle Panabaker is such a good match for him, it genuinely hurts to see her on the receiving end of Jason’s blade. On that note, Derek Mears – not unlike Tyler Mane or James Jude Courtney in the millennial Halloween series – gives the most threatening, menacing, and – yes – impassioned rendition of Jason to date. It’s a damn shame he didn’t get to reprise the role for at least a couple more postmodern sequels. Delivers in carnage, suspense, and pacing, with a solid script by Freddy vs. Jason scribes Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, and direction by music-video veteran Marcus Nispel. (***1/2) Friday the 13th | Original Trailer | Marcus Nispel, 2009 – YouTube
- Friday the 13th (1980) First? Maybe. Best? Hardly. At times, resembles the early horror work of Bob Clark (the sheriff even looks like him!), with a sense of humor underpinning the depiction of quirky-eccentric locals amid the suspense and horror. Alice (Adrienne King) is a fairly unremarkable, underwritten heroine who nonetheless established the axiom of, “she who shows the least flesh, survives.” The POV often seems to be cheating, as the implication of the killer being in the vicinity – underscored by Harry Manfredini’s “Bernard Herrmann-on-PCP” score – is presented in a manner where it would be impossible for the characters to not notice. Tom Savini effects are on point. Director Sean S. Cunningham does conjure some atmosphere, especially after dark, that helps keep the bits of trivia (hey, a young Kevin Bacon!) from being the only noteworthy thing about this. (***) Friday The 13th (1980) – Official Trailer
- Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) Under John Carl Beuchler’s direction, this entry becomes a practical-FX blowout that, handicapping for the usual MPAA censor-shit, still manages to impress on a purely aesthetic level. Elizabeth Kaitan from those Vice Academy films – wow! Grossest-looking Jason of the series? Probably! Gotta love how the last act basically sets the stage for Macaulay Culkin’s reign of property-damaging terror in the Home Alone films. Too many characters with rushed introductions implies a certain impatience in the run-up to all the hacking and slashing, but the young cast does their best. Pretty sure God Module (or some current Industrial act) sampled snippets of evil psychiatrist Terry Kiser’s speech in one of their songs. It becomes a running gag how Jason seems to have a limitless arsenal of deadly garden tools at his disposal at any given time, even though he’s never seen wearing a rucksack. Lar Park Lincoln is a telekinetic Carrie White surrogate, but manages to etch out a distinctive outsider character who uses her powers against Mr. Hulking Hockey Mask. Is she one of the best Final Girls of the series? Absolutely! And, honestly, I found myself crushing on wicked Mean Girl Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan). I’ll show myself out… (***) Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988) Trailer #1
- Freddy vs. Jason (2003) Back when Internet message-boards were slightly less toxic than they are now, one of the favored topics of conversation was dream-pairings of legacy horror characters battling each other on the big screen. Of the improbable couplings (Ash vs. Michael Myers…why?), the one that stood out the most – based on their respective series’ financial success – was wisecracking pizzaface Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) and bulletproof mama’s boy Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger). This continues the antiseptic, squeaky-clean aesthetics of Jason X, but the premise as to how these two slasher icons converge is clever. It makes the character- and plot-heavy first hour more forgivable once these two kick into rock’em-sock’em gear in the last act. Creative direction from Ronny Yu, who runs with the metaphysical premise more successfully than the makers of Jason Goes to Hell. That said, the setup is bit muddled, making the proceedings disorienting for the wrong reasons. Still…as slasher entertainment in the new millennium goes, this is solid stuff. Love you, Katharine Isabelle! (***) Freddy vs. Jason (2003) Trailer #1 | Movieclips Classic Trailers – YouTube
- Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) Kimberly Beck (of the cult classic Massacre at Central High) lends a sense of professionalism that keeps the whole thing credible (even if she is playing the mature older sister). Lawrence Monoson shot out of the saddle again (after The Last American Virgin)! Crispin Glover’s terrifying dance moves! Corey Felman’s “I don’t understand sex, but I’m excited all the same” bed-bouncing voyeurism routine! Barney Cohen’s script follows the same slasher/sexploitation beats as the previous films, but Joseph Zito’s direction makes up for it. Too bad much of the gore seems over before it really ever starts. “Axel” sure was a popular name for characters in ‘80s slashers (see also: My Bloody Valentine). (***) Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) Official Trailer – Horror Movie HD
- Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) The Halloween Ends of Friday the 13ths (at least until Jason Goes to Hell came along). More kills, with the viciousness cranked to 11. A subpar vessel for the Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) character thread. Can’t escape its producer-mandated “scare or kill every 7 minutes” confines to plumb what could have been interesting psychological territory. Too many pointless characters introduced for the sake of slaughter (the stranded greasers; the oily orderly; the bimbo waitress). Miguel Nunez Jr. gives Reggie the Reckless (Shavar Ross) some rhyming wisdom before all but stealing the movie with an outhouse death scene. Enchiladas, amirite? (**1/2) Friday The 13th, Part V: A New Beginning (1985) Theatrical Trailer – YouTube
- Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) Somewhere between A New Beginning and Halloween Ends lies Jason Goes to Hell. Perhaps a new decade called for a new approach – this goes for the metaphysical and conceptual over the same old slash-o. That said, the body-swap premise could’ve been developed further and better with a lengthier run time. Cool poster of Jason’s mask, cast in iron, against a background inferno of orange flames, with a cartoonish snake winding through one eye. Piss-poor Harry Manfredini score that swaps a traditional orchestra for preprogrammed synth noodling that would sound more at home in a direct-to-video Friday the 13th rip-off. The script’s overt reliance on humor cheapens the film’s ambition and lessens its impact, as does director Adam Marcus’ emphasis on letting his actors off the leash to maim the scenery more than any of the Jason surrogates on display. (**) Jason Goes To Hell | Original Trailer | Adam Marcus, 1993
- Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) I haven’t seen Speed 2, but did some of its poor reception have to do with a cruise ship being an unwieldy and lumbering vessel to center an ostensibly fast-paced (it’s right there in the title!) film around? In any (non-)event, the same fate befalls the foolish high-school grads and their chaperones taking their own personal Demeter from Crystal Lake, USA to Manhattan. Probably documented elsewhere, but I’m guessing the only sequence actually shot in New York City was the Times Square stuff. In Videohound’s Horror Show, author Mike Mayo nicknamed this Jason Takes a Boat Ride, but I’ve come to think of it as Jason Kicks a Boombox. MST3K fans will recognize Peter Mark Richman (from Agent for H.A.R.M.) as the tyrannical patriarch overseeing what feels like a three-hour tour. The poster is cool, but sets expectations that are impossible for the film to meet (even with noticeably higher production values). And as Kane Hodder’s Jason takes center stage in most scenes, any scares and suspense take a backseat to fairly tepid bloodletting. Adding insult to injury are the bland, chemistry-free lead performances from Jensen Daggett and Scott Reeves. (*1/2) Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) Trailer #1
- Jason X (2001) Olivia Rodrigo (really Lexa Doig) as a Final Girl? In space, no less? Sign me up! But honestly, this is just lazy faux Aliens bullshit welded to Jason Voorhees. Begins the overly polished, antiseptic aesthetic that marked horror films from the early ‘00s, removing any grit and grunge from the proceedings. The fresh-faced yet largely undefined cast doesn’t help matters. Todd Farmer’s script fluctuates between jokey asides and taking the plot far too seriously, creating a miserable slog of a film. What sucks most is that there’s no reason this couldn’t have been as fun as any number of R-rated space-horror rip-offs (think Inseminoid and Galaxy of Terror), but instead becomes as hulking and inefficient as Hodder’s patented Jason shtick. Gotta hand it to that hockey-masked motherfucker, though: even in space, he doesn’t know when to quit. Extra half-star for Lisa Ryder’s blissed-out depiction of the obligatory sexy on-ship android, KM-14. (*) Jason X (2002) Trailer #1
- Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) Gotta love how Jason’s a stealth ninja for the first 2/3 of the film, and a lumbering klutz who can’t do anything right for the entire last act (sort of the pattern in all the sequels). So he changed out of his overalls, healed his severe shoulder wound, and walked around as though nothing happened immediately after the events of Part 2? A prime example of the 3D gimmick driving the story, with weak characters and weaker series continuity. Not much suspense, either. Larry Zerner may be obnoxious, but he comes closest to resembling an actual person. Why were gang members in 1980s movies so frigging lame? So that guy just hid in a shed while Jason was prowling the barn the whole time? Seriously? “I’m pregnant, remember?” – no, you just said it twice within 2 minutes! Even the embarrassing “comin’ at ya!” disco credits can’t save this one. (*) Friday The 13th Part 3 (1982) – Official Trailer
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