Jonny Numb

Sometime close to 2pm on Sunday, October 19, I asked my buddy Lizard if he could pull over.

“You gonna puke?” he asked, quite perceptive.

I nodded. He found a grassy patch next to a farm’s stone retaining wall and I got out of the car, retching up the Popeye’s chicken sandwich I’d just consumed.

This was on the way back from Exhumed Films’ 24-Hour Horrorthon at the Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA, and the dull throb behind my right eye – which I’d attempted to stifle with some Tylenol hours earlier – combined with the perpetually-curving backroads, fed into the motion sickness I’ve had since childhood and, well…the ship of my brain and stomach capsized.

Man overboard! Chicken sandwich overboard! Yeeesh!

But much like a rapid succession of sneezes, it felt good once my stomach completed its rebuttal to my poor dietary and life choices.

It was a bit of a circular ending: during the preamble to the Horrorthon, while a representative from Exhumed Films (whose name I’ll one day remember, since I’ve seen him at roughly a million of their events) explained the ground rules and got the crowd hyped up, he asked for a show of hands of those who were attending the Horrorthon for the first time. As people acquiesced, to a smattering of applause, I said with a laugh:

“You will question your life choices.”

And I stand by this: why do we do things like this to ourselves?

Well, as this was our second Horrorthon (the first was in 2022), me and Lizard thrill at the conceit of it: a nonstop run of around 15 movies, all from glorious (and some not-so-glorious) 35mm prints, the titles kept secret until each film unspools.

Sure, the seats in the Colonial’s 1903 Theatre are posture-perfect and ill-designed for such an extended bout of sitting (if you’re looking for recliners, cupholders, and aisles with plentiful legroom, look elsewhere), making any sleep of the micronap variety, as you struggle for a bit of comfort before being jostled awake by a loud scream or music cue. Attendees are a savvy bunch, though – on the mezzanine (where I attempted to doze during Movie #10), someone had made a makeshift bed out of two upholstered chairs, was draped in a blanket and sleep mask, and appeared to be resting peacefully.

Sacrifice is part of the event: how and when do you sleep? When do you cut out to get something to eat? I’m sure hardcore folks can hold down the sugar-and-salt offerings at the concession stand, but most of us need a little protein to keep on going.

The answer is simple: you just have to kill your darlings in the name of endurance.

So…as you climb over your neighbors to rush out to the bathroom after every second film, get a refresher on your soda and popcorn, and otherwise try to tough the marathon out, just what the heck did they play at Horrorthon XVIII, and what did your humble narrator think of them?

Hang on, kids – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride through the backroads of horror cinema history!

(Author’s Note: the first film began at roughly 12:05pm on October 18, but due to a technical malfunction with one projector that necessitated manual reel changes, the schedule started to run behind around Movie #4. As a result, the final film didn’t start until sometime between noon and 1pm on October 19.)

Black Sabbath (1963) – good print of this Mario Bava anthology, which highlights the director’s gorgeously artistic flourishes. Would argue that the film loses steam during its extended third story (despite the star power of Boris Karloff), but still a treat to see on the big screen.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) – first-time watch. Even during my prime pubescent years, I never got into Elvira during her stint as a cult horror-movie hostess. That said, this was an absolute hoot that the audience reacted to with laughs, cheers, and applause. Easily the highest “fun factor” of the festival.

Sleepwalkers (1992) – Madchen Amick is awfully cute, and bites her lip with great conviction, but I still think this one’s a mess. Fun with a crowd, and nice to see heroic feline Clovis get such a positive audience reaction throughout. Kitties!

Blood & Roses (1960) – first-time watch. Letterboxd review.

The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1977) – a rewatch of this Canadian thriller starring a young Jodie Foster, a predatory Martin Sheen, and a likable Scott Jacoby. Impressively suspenseful considering its limited locations, and icky in subtle ways. Atmosphere and performance over gore with this one. PG-rated movies in the 1970s were a whole different animal (see also: The Omega Man; The Legend of Hell House; The Getaway…etc.)

Innocent Blood (1992) – dinner break at Root Down Brewing.

Jack Be Nimble (1993) – first-time watch. RIP Alexis Arquette. Letterboxd review.

Messiah of Evil (1973) – a thrill to see this on film (I’d been procrastinating on pulling out my Blu-ray this month, so this was a big treat indeed). An extremely trippy, atmospheric effort from Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz, the husband-wife duo who eventually gave us Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Howard the Duck.

Killer Party (1986) – first-time (attempted) watch. Apologies to Jason, but this is where I started succumbing to periodic bouts of unconsciousness (to be honest, I was struggling to stay awake during Messiah of Evil).

Bliss (2019) – there are few films I hate with such passion…but I love that it gave me a chance to try to get some sleep. Letterboxd reviews.

Night of the Seagulls (1975) – first-time (attempted) watch. Tried to get into this one – one of the Blind Dead sequels – but I started succumbing to sleep yet again. Fun fact, though: it looks like it was shot in the same locale as The Vampires Night Orgy.

[cereal break in the upstairs event room! Cinnamon Toast Crunch om nom nom]

Tourist Trap (1979) – a freaking classic that has haunted me since its frequent airings on basic cable when I was a kid. Pretty nice print, too. No surprise that Tanya Roberts’ short-shorts and tube top look even better on the big screen.

Witchboard (1986) – first-time watch. Actually pretty fun, but seemed to go on and on. Possessed Tawny Kitean, though!

[cut out to pick up some aspirin at a general store across the street]

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) – hadn’t seen this since the mid-aughts, and honestly? It’s a bombastic and overblown ride that doesn’t know when to quit. I found Coppola’s camera work frequently obnoxious (and sometimes nauseating, so maybe that’s when I officially started feeling ill), and Hopkins and Oldman are more fun when they’re not chewing the scenery. Winona Ryder’s Mina Harker is an endearing beacon of purity and virtue, though. But give me Werner Herzog’s (or Robert Eggers’) Nosferatu any day.

Slither (2006) – fun and slimy James Gunn creature feature that accumulated a cult following after bombing in theaters. But the marathon had fallen way behind schedule due to the aforementioned projector issue, so me and Lizard made the executive decision to leave and get on with our day.

No “reward” for surviving the Horrorthon – I guess they discontinued this, as no one made mention of it. In 2022, all attendees received a nice commemorative tumbler.

Total first-time watches (including attempts): 6 (out of 15). Not bad!

Will I do the Horrorthon again? Probably (but probably not next year).