Hahahaha…LOL!
Do nawt ajjust yer Internets! Dis transmisshun iz tote-lee NORMAL!
I iz DUNN reedin’ my COMIX, and I iz all OUTTA BUBBLEGUM!
Hahahaha!
Tha’ sound is juss MEEEEEEE – da grate KIMATOONI – scratchin’up mom’s mem-ree-foam mat…
[sounds of static scratching and memory-foam flinging]
Muhahahahahahahaha!
Frickin dork think ppl ackshully wanna read bout hiss LYFE?!? An at GREAT LENNNNNNNGTTTTTTH too?!? Pffft, psssssshaw, HISSSPIT!
Jeez dude summa us have ATETEEN hours-a sleep to get! Time’z value-bull! Iffit can’t be sed inna frickin TWEET, whassa frickin POINT?!!
So LISSEN UP, hooman eyeballz and brainz (heh-heh, gimme your BRAAAAIIIIINZ! I’s a ZOMBIE!) – I iz gonna give you da SKINNY and SHORT vershun of what’z been goin’ on since…da start of this frickin YEAR?!??????
O-man, jus’ shoot me NOW?!!!!
U pickin up what I’m LAYIN’ DOWN?!??!
WORD to yo MOMMA!!!
Hahahahahaha…
Less git this partee started (yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn-snooze-snore-BARF)…
MARSH:
Furs, dere was KMFDM in Harrs’burg uff all placez, an’ SUMWUN GOT ONSTAGE haffway thru da set and Sascha WUZ PISSED! But it wuz good show an’ close to home so dad got home early and I got in some cuddles b4 we went to sleeps honk-shoo-honk-shoo-ZZZZZZZZ-SNORE. Openin’ Swedes MORLOCKS were alzo cool, I guess…DICKS IN TANKS! Hahahaha
Den dad wen’ to HEALTH wiff his buddy BRET back in MARCH in a place where ppl fight over cheez-stakes. Got to see King YOsef – don’ think he any sorta king, sigh-tay-shun needed! -and PIXEL GRIP did dat ALPHAPUSSY song which I uv coors LOVED b/c iss about ME (how cud it be ‘bout anywun else?!). An’ YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER! (hahhahaha nawt likely)
On March TWENTY, dad wen’ to O LIDLE TOWN OF BETHLAHEM to see MINISTRYS (no relashun to JESUS er so am told, tho dat guy in da cowboy hat look’d like OUTLAW JEZUS er sumthin), GARY NUMANS (who sorta OLDmans now, getit? “I WANT EVERYONEEE!!!” Hahahaha), and da FRONTLINE ASSEMBLYS to start. It wuz FUN but was frickin COLLLLDDDD OUTSIDE (could use summa that right-‘bout now!) an’ da show was inna CAH-SEE-NO, but dad an’ buddy LIZARD din’t play enee games cuz they lame like dat…
APERELL:
Addlantic Citee iss NOT frend-lee to felines or families! Lotsa placez to see nakid hooman ladys or get knifes stuck in ya…boredwalk wuz SCARY PLACE. TAKE LONG TIME TO DRIVE THERE, TOO…BUTT Lizard was nyce todo it. Had sum beer and food atta pub dat wassn’t TOO scary. Thisstime it was HOT OUTSIDE. Firstime seein’ weirdo PRIMUS play, alzo 2 Menard Jay Keeman bandz (not da big TOOL BAND wit da RIIIIIIIILLY spensive tickitts) an’ sumtimes all da band memburz play TOGETHER wich wuz COOL. Durin da show ppl sellabrated Minor Jayz Kino’s birfday ass WELL. GUD TIME thumbsup.
ROSA-LEE iss not sumthin dad would tipiclly go SEE, but buddy BRET invited an’ he went an’ FUN wuz had by all ‘cuz it was kinda mellow and da ppl were cool. Mettro Gall’ry iss one-a dad’s fave placez in dat citee where dey filmed THE WIRE (and dat’s where I got MY NAME, bitchezzzzzzz!!!!).
Next day dad wen’ SOLO to watch da noo Mickey KEATING moovay at MIDTOWN SINEMUH. Movie called INVADER, but not like the space kind arkade-stile PEWPEW hahahaha. Scaree like SILENCE OF SHEEPS movie from yrs ago. Aktor and produce-her Joe Swansburg answered sum kweshtuns after an’ dad wuz RELEEVED he not like charackturs he playz in moovays…NICE GUY.
Saw SWANS with LIZARD at ONION TRANSFUR in cheez-stake place. Wat can say asscept like RELISHOUS exper’yunce. Lotta swayin’ like zombeez…like ppl wuz half-awakes an’shit an’ puttin’em to SLEEPS…but dad sez it was GRATE TYME, so I say OK OK I BELEEV U jus’ to shuthimup hahahaha.
Shit Aprell wuz BUZY. Lotsa STUFF.
MEH:
Speeking uv invadurz, rite away in monf dad dropp’d off another INVADER-KAT to get fixt at NOBUDEEZ KATZ. Dad sez itz rite thing ta-doo (even iff INVADUR-KAT invaydud mah SPACE fore a nite)…
OHRGEE play’d LUVDRAFTZ on Mae 14, but Dad RILLY went cuz da I YA TOYAH wuz playin FIRST dat nite an he luvs her a LAWT. Dere wuz feedback durin her set dat kontinu’d thru da nite (HORIZUN THEERY an KOLD were also on da bill) an wuz RILLY ANNOYING. When I YA TOYAH kalled it owt, da DUMAZZ soun’ dude jus’ throo hiz handz up like “I DUNNO” or sumthin ‘tarted like that… Da also saw Sean frum work and he and hiz frendz left at start of ORGEE cuz da sound wuz still so BAD. Dad lastid like 3 songz den left cuz he’d seen dem TWICE beefore (wit BETTUR SOUND)!
Furst drive-in show uff da SEEZIN wuz ERASURHED at da MOOHOONING an’ dere were like maybee FIFTEE kars dere! One-a Dad’s fave moovays, it wuz kool seein’ it on a GINORMUSS screen!
LIDDITZ (or if ur FRENCH, “le titz” heeeeeehe) iz home of WILBRR CHOKLIT, wich is BETTER DAN HERSHEEZ in mah not-KONTROVURSHUL OPINUNN. Itz also home too MICKEEZ BLAKBOX where banz like Bee-Tee-Ehsss rehurse B4 BIG TOURZ, cuz WHO would think to make a stop in LIDDITZ FARM-N-CHOKLIT CUNTRY?! Eneewaze, Dad saw L7 dere on da 18th, an’ it was anudder GRATE SHOW. Wuz kewl too see L7 play so close by…an lokill opinnurs ANTHROPHOBIA wurr also grate an’ had CHEEP CDs fer sale (and a LOT of em) at da MERSH TABULL…Da took home TOO a-those.
Den dere wuz a‘nutter trip to da MOOOOOO-HOOOOOO-NIN (hahahaha, I’z a COW now, moo-moo!) fer a nite of zombie-fried goodniss! It wuz SATURDAY and the Jorge Rumer-O TRIFEKTA UV NITE UV LIVIN DEDD, DON UV THE DEDD, and DAY-O (we say DAYYYYYY-O! hahahah) UV DA DEDD. KEN FURRY was in attendinz and tole sum storeez ‘bout Dwayne Jonze and anserred sum kweztins buffore DON UV DA DEDD. It kept rainin an’ Dad n’ LIZZERD had-ta keep getting in-an-owt of Lizz’s kar an bi da time DAY-O startud (‘round THREE aye-em!) dere wuz THIK FOGG EVVRYWEAR!!! Buncha ppl left but not shure how dey kud SEE anyfing to dryve! Liz moved da kar up to da FRUN ROW, an’ da fogg lifted as da moovay played. At one point, a BLACK KITTY dashed ‘cross da lawn in front-a-da SKREEN, which wuz KOOL. Wuz a layed nite and getting LITE durin’ da drive back to Lizz’s. Dad gotta couple OWWERS uv sleep, den both-a-dem wen’to da BUFF-A at da NOO HOLLIND PIZZAHUT. It was DELISSHUS, but dere wuz no TOOONA PEEZA for da FEELINEZ AMUNG US! I callz DISKRIMINAYSHUN on dat BOO-SHETT! Pfffffffft HISSS.
JOON:
Dad and Lizz are back at MOON-HONING for AWIEN/S dubble feachure! Dad still likez da ’79 moovay better but Unkle Lizzard priffers all the BOOM_BANG-BANG-BANG LETS ROOOOOCKKK uv AWIENS. Ppl argoo ‘bout da DUMMIST thingz!
Den Dad an Unkle Bret went to METRO GALL-REE on the 7th to see crazy Japan band doo-ohhh uv MELT-BANANAS, wich wuz a TOP 5 ALLTIME SHOW fer dad. Wuz CRAZY PACKT wiff ppl in the venyew, Wun uff da opennnin banz, DA FLYIN LUDENBAKERS waz also RILLY GUD – Dad bot all da CEE-DEEz dey had fer sale.
An the DAY AFTER Dad an’ Lizzard did X-FEST wich wuz sumthin’ ta doo wiff wearin’ raincoats inside at da COLONIAL THEETUR in Feenixville. Jus’ kiddin it was Xploytayshun, nawt por-nooo. Gowt to-see CRAZY MAREE DURTY LARREE for da firs’time, on THIRDYFYVE MILL-MITTER! Wuz kewl. Sum ppl RILLY xcited fer da last moovay, SAVICH STREEETS, but Da’s nadda big fan’a that wun…
Fer da sekkind tyme ever, Dad invited some buds (includin’ Lizzard, Bret, and Billee Krash) up to Harrs’burg fer a BELATED BIRFDAY MOOVAY. Unlike lass’time, tho, he kept da moovay a sekrit until da lites wen’ down. SPOYLER: it was Willie Freed-ken’s SORE-SOR-ERR! En even tho it was bein’ streamed, it wuz still AWESUM to see it on da BIG SKREEN wit surround sownd. Dey all wen’ to da MILLWERKS for san’witches an’ beerz on da sun deck afferwords.
Da last too thingz wurr wit Unkle Bret: chekin awt KURD VYLE at da H*MAC on da 17th; he pud on GRATE SHOW, but Dad may haff liked da NOIZY op’ner, EMMILY ROBB, evun MOAR. Dad wishus she had sum CEE-DEEZ fer sale, bot may piggup a VINE-HILL instead sumtime. Den dey waz back in da cheezstake place to see LAZ SAY FARE on da 29th, whooz singurr wore a cute kitty tee an’ a span-dexx body sawk. He gawt off da stage an’ wandered ‘round da crowd an’ thru da bar area an’ it wuz cool how da crowd held up his mike kord so it wuddn’t git tangulled azz he walkt a-round. Lotsa energee! Butt again, da op’ner wuz awesum – KILYNN LUNSFORD wuz deelite-fully WEERD.
Eneeway, I fink dat bringz thingz mostly up 2 dayte.
Damm…I is TYRED frum all dat brayne-typin…need ta go back an catchup on my usual ATETEEN howers-sleep…
[after a beat, sounds of memory foam being clawed intensify; then subside]
[hours later, Jonny walks into the room, quizzically observing the glow of the open laptop monitor. He sighs]
“Creating the tags for this post is gonna be a bitch…”
Jonny Numb 
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